The Pleasure of Pleasing

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by Amara Charles

I know more than a few women who would cringe at the thought of pleasing a man. Most women I know are natural "givers" who end up feeling used and sexually bored by the idea of trying to find yet more ways to please a man. Few know pleasing as the secret to having passionate sex. Even fewer know that bringing a man into ecstatic pleasure is actually the way out of a dull sex life.

It's true, superficial pleasing- saying or doing nice things is not what brings intense pleasure to a man. Shallow pleasing leads to the end of the playful sexual tension that makes sex so much fun. Frustration and resentments will brew, and both will avoid sex. It is all because there is a misunderstanding of how to be in a pleasurable state of giving.

After years of pleasing family, lovers, bosses- a lot of women are sick of trying to give to everybody else. They wind up feeling let down and shut down from men and male energy. The last thing they want to do is give themselves sexually.

This is how many women become uninterested in sex or exist in a state of perpetual aggravation with only mild hopes for connection. There comes an urge for liberation-independence from it all-liberation from pleasing, from obligations, and from the hassle of sex.

When women are sick and tired of giving and giving and getting so little back, they reach a point of feeling "who needs this?" So women start doing just about everything for themselves. The weaker the men around her become the more she feels the need to step into her power and feel her independence. She starts taking pride in not needing anybody-including sexually. The trouble is, this attitude runs counter to her feminine nature and is thus exhausting.

The belief that we don't need men or male energy or that our power comes from "doing without" gives only a false sense of liberation. A woman's real feminine joy doesn't come from proving she can get along without male energy, accomplishing things, or hiding out behind the family. And her power doesn't come from controlling, dominating or trying to please men either.

True liberation comes from absolute giving. Yes, I know, I have heard it from so many women, "But I already give so much-I'm not getting anything back"

What most women misunderstand is how to truly give-especially when it comes to giving ourselves sexually. Most giving is not pure and clear-it is tangled with expectations, doubts, fears, and past disappointments.

As an ancient Taoist adage states: "Giving ends with the act of giving. Do not attach yourself to the responses of giving, just know in your heart you gave freely and without attachment."

When you keep giving and giving and you feel like nothing is coming back, there are two things missing. One is that somewhere, without exception, in your giving, there is attachment. You think you are giving, you think you are loving, but you are not. The gift, the love, the sweetness is not given purely with joy. You want a little something back. You become frustrated because you are not getting back what you think you should.

The second thing missing is that somebody was left out of the giving-someone got nothing-you. You left yourself out of your generosity.

A friend of mine told me she spent the day buying clothes for her lover because his band was going to perform. She loved supporting his dream and wanted to surprise him with a new outfit for his gig. She was happy to see him so turned on about his music and was hoping he would get as excited about her She also bought herself a sexy outfit and couldn't wait to dress up for her guy. But when she got home he announced that he was too tired.

Of course she was disappointed. And it wasn't the first time. So what went wrong? I asked her, "Was there any time during the day when you wanted to dress up and flirt just for the fun of it?" I then asked her, "While you were trying to please him were you enjoying yourself? Or, were you building an expectation about what you wanted from him?"

Her light bulb went on. "Oh" she said, "I didn't think about it that way." And then she observed her pattern of trying to please him while turning off her own pleasure. By doing something nice for him she hoped he would have some extra juice left over for her. All too often this is the kind of pleasing women do. Giving that starts in a good way goes sour because our own desires and urges get lost and unfelt while trying to please.

Let's put in another way. If you are touching your partner in order to please him then the touch will lose its zing. Giving to turn yourself on is the key.

So when you touch your lover, it's for you, first. When you are totally giving and completely focused on how good it feels for you to give-without expecting anything back- you will feel turned on, and even more will come back to you.

Using my friend's day as an example, what would have happened if she dressed up to please herself first? Do you think her playful smile would have found its way to her lover's lips? If she were dressing for the sheer fun of it her pleasure would have become contagious. If by chance he was still too tired she could have shifted gears and remained in a state of pleasurable giving by letting him totally relax and perhaps just watch. (Most of the time if sex is refused because we are "too tired" we think we will have to put out too much energy.) So the best way to keep the possibility for sex alive is to be in a state of pleasurable giving and lighten up!

There is a way out of being "too tired" for sex. The truth is, what makes us tired is trying to please without feeling and openly acknowledging our own sexual needs and desires. The minute you start including yourself in the generosity you so readily give to others-the exhaustion disappears. Suddenly, you have lots of energy. And so will your partner.

Is there anything more fantastic than seeing your lover trembling with desire? When in this state, is there anything you wouldn't do to bring them even more pleasure?

The way to get there is to practice giving to yourself as passionately as you give to others. If you are not really happy in the giving-don't do it. Please yourself first until your joy becomes irresistible and feel what happens. When we are full with pleasure, we don't have to try and please anybody else. We don't need to ignore our own needs and urges. True liberation means choosing precisely when and with whom we will share our sexiness. What we actually exchange are the waves of our own pleasure. The more intensely we allow ourselves to feel, the more our lover will feel it too. It's simply the way it works!

In beauty,


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